Thursday, July 21, 2011

Little dogs and fever dreams....

I have tonsillitis.  I'm 53 and laid up with a childhood ailment that used to have the Dr. making a housecall to prescribe some bad tasting medicine and have me on a "chicken soup and gruel" diet as a little kid.  I think the toxic headache is the worst part.  Oddly enough, my throat isn't that sore, but my pathetic tonsils are twice their normal size, pitted with nasty spots, and there is nasty stuff oozing somewhere in the back!  UGH!  I wonder how long I've been cooking this tasty bug, and how much it has affected me over the last couple of weeks.  I'm stuffed full of Penicillin, loaded with Ibuprophen.  The aftertaste of the medicine has me remembering why some parents give their kids chocolate; to remove that taste from your mouth!  I have lost my appetite and sleep probably three hours out of every 6 in the day...  on the "plus" side, I've lost 5 lbs.... on the "minus" side, the house is a disaster zone.  I still have to drag my sorry butt into work, but I only have short shifts so I have been managing.  I have actually brought home Popsicles, ice cream and juice.  I actually miss gruel....

The fever dreams are the worst; mostly confronting all those people who I have felt wouldn't listen to me over the last couple of years.  When they say they are my friend, tell me in a conversational way that they will pick me up from work if I need them, take me out for a coffee, see me another time I look them straight in the eye in my dreams and tell them firmly that "we are not and will never be friends". But I have noticed that when I speak with them in my fever dreams I'm no longer screaming.  All the anger seems to be fading at last, and that is a comfort.

There is one constant in all of this, though.  Every time I lay my head down there is a small, furry dog nudging my hand and comforting me.  Every time I wake there are little button eyes looking at me, and a small doggy voice questions me so softly.... "arf"... The dogs stay close all the time.  Penny lays at my feet wherever I am - laying in bed, working at finding something simple to eat in the kitchen, sitting at my computer desk.  She sleeps quietly at the foot of my bed at night, coming for a hug and a tummy rub whenever I pat the spot beside me to call her.  Daisy lays in the middle of the bed, tight to my side.  When I lay with one arm tucked under my head facing the wall she is there at my back.  And Folly stays where he can see me, with his head on my shoulder, sighing in his sleep when he closes his eyes.  I realize that at this very moment of my life they are my greatest comfort.  Although I miss the companionship and conversation that comes with a good relationship I would not give them up for someone else.  We are a package deal.  I realize that the likelihood of me finding someone who will put up with my quirks as well as my three little ragamuffins (and my three cats) is slim to none, but at this point it isn't such a big deal.  I am coming to terms with the thought of living alone.  I know with the dogs I will never really be lonely.  I just need a little more balance in my day to day life.

I'm looking forward to finally seeing some summer... although I have to say all the rain we have had this year seems like another fever dream.  I want to pull weeds, pick fruit, open the windows and have the warm wind blow out all the funk.  I want to open my heart and let the warm wind blow out all the dust that I've gathered.  And I remember the words of the Dalai Lama... "when your life turns to dust, vacuum..." 

So it's time to take another orange pill, another yellow pill, another blue pill, another white pill... climb into bed and sleep until it's time to take another pill.... to recover slowly and beat this stinking, festering, rotten bug into submission.  Needless to say, once I have recovered enough I will be cleaning the whole place with a little bit of "javex" on every surface....  stupid tonsils... I hate you....

In the meantime I would like a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go, please....  with a side of chocolate...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Running through the mine field...

My therapist - who actually gets a chuckle out of the fact that I mention him occasionally - recently talked over my latest "funk" with me.  My personal drive has been on "stall" for a while and I was concerned that perhaps my medication needed fine tuning.  He gave me a really good analogy for what has been going on.... "for the last two years you have been running through a mine field, and now there are no more mines and you don't have another focus.  This is the time in your life when you just have to be selfish, and only think about this moment and what comes after it.  When you think about what has happened before and focus on those other people who have betrayed you, you feel stuck in that moment and you can't move forward..."  Stuck in that moment...

I had a vision in my head of the coyote, running madly down the road until the road curved ahead and he was left running over thin air until he literally hit the wall and fell down the hole.  I can't remember how many times I have felt just like that; feet peddling over empty air until I hit a hard stop and gravity brought me all the way down again.  Living that way is very selfish and self serving.  There is no room for another person when your life is a constant race through the mines.  Not a partner, not friends, not family, especially not children!  Unfortunately, the world of the internet with the "social pages", "internet chat rooms", "email", "IMs" etc. does nothing to foster real time human contact and as far as I can tell it only prolongs the run through the minefield.

Some people are surrounded with those emotional mines.  Trying to get close, to find out their true and authentic selves, leaves you stepping gingerly and expecting to hit an explosion at the least pressure.  You walk a limited and precarious path.  You live with tunnel vision, trying unsuccessfully to navigate through the pitted landscape of your relationship with them.  You see a flawed vision of yourself reflected back from them, and you truly do become "stuck".  It was only when I made a difficult and very conscious decision to finally "let it go" that I was able to move at all!  Suddenly, without any fanfare, without any real change in the world, without asking any permission or expecting any acceptance, the mines were gone.  Just... gone....  and it makes me wonder "who's mines were they:  mine or theirs'"?  I can only own my own mistakes, and I know a lot of them were ones I planted and armed.  But not all of them.  When I look back at those people and see from a distance how their worlds continue I see other people stuck in the minefields, surrounded by hidden bombs and stepping gingerly.  So I know not all of them were mine to own and that is okay.

And now I have to look at "what would I equate as being selfish?"...  The answer was really quite simple.  My "self" has to come first.  It isn't about stuff or luxuries or outer trappings... it is just taking care of myself before I did anything else, and I realized I have not put myself first in a real and concrete way for a very long time.  As simple as showering because it eases my muscles, cleaning my teeth as many times as I feel like, giving myself more than a casual thought about clean sheets, clean floors, clean dishes...  having the moxy to get off the computer and react with the outside world.  Taking vitamins, using the medications I have for my skin condition, keeping the promises I make to myself and for myself.  And really, if I can't keep promises to myself how on earth will I be able to keep them to the people I care about?  If I don't take care of myself in a healthy way, how in the world will I be able to take care of someone or something else when I need to?

It's really easy to give lip service to making yourself better without actually making the real changes.  Was that comment you made just a "wishful thought" of what you want the world to think you are doing? The internet lets you hide, you can tell the world what you're doing, but are you really doing it? Does your "mouth write cheques that your ass can't cash"?  In my opinion, those are the weakest and most self serving promises... I promise to be better without changing... I promise to make a difference without the act that makes things different....  I will promise and give lip service to being a better person, and then I will forget that I ever made that promise... and the only person you betray is yourself.  It takes real strength and real courage to follow through on those promises, to make those changes.  And the only validation you get at the end of the day is the change in your soul.  THAT is the only change that really matters.

So I'm going to take my killer headache to bed.  I have a busy week coming up, and I fully intend to spend it very, very selfishly.  In the meantime, I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go, please.....

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

The twilight zone....

I have always scoffed a little at people who weren't able to deal with the Vancouver weather.  I used to say "I have my Vancouver Hairstyle... looks the same wet or dry"...  One of my biggest - and perhaps most arrogant - jokes has always been... "how do you tell a tourist in Vancouver?  They're the one using the umbrella".... well, it seems these days the joke is on me!

The constant and almost unrelieved cloud cover day after day is depressing, and living in the basement of my home without much in the way of daylight has become a problem.  It seems to me that the best weather days have been when I am inside at work looking outside at the mountains.  Although I firmly believe that my "office" has the best view in the lower mainland, I would still prefer to be outside rather than shut in!  I even went so far as to plan a hike last week on my day off, only to have my stroll in the woods marked with drizzle - lovely drizzle, but still turns my "Vancouver Hairstyle" into a giant, frizzy dandelion puff....  so much for the "looks the same wet or dry..."  And my aging and out of shape muscles are not coping well with the unseasonal cool temperatures, making me feel stiff and sore even BEFORE my hike or my stroll to the Starbarks with the pack.  Thank goodness I finally had my fireplace installed so I can turn on "summer" in my living room and warm my muscles until they don't feel that ache any more.

I used to have nightmares about this kind of weather... still do, in fact.  Usually they are of the "end of the world Apocalypse" variety, where I am unable to see distant objects or landmarks because of unrelenting fog or thick, grey cloud cover.  That constant twilight, where my personal anxiety overrides common sense.  Sometimes I would dream I had abandoned my children, or was unable to find them.  Sometimes I would dream I was suddenly and inexplicably alone in the world, having to fend for myself using only bare resources and traveling long distances.  The most prevailing feeling in those dreams was always hopelessness;  inability or ineffectuality when attempting to change something.  There are moments when those very private and deep feelings begin, just briefly, to affect my mood to the point that I feel them even when waking.  Yes, there are times when I feel that I have abandoned and so lost my children.  Yes, I find myself alone in the world and having to fend for myself.  There are times when I feel hopeless, ineffectual, unable to make changes, even unable to plan ahead for myself.

I have basically forgotten what it's like to have focus and to prioritize.  Nobody to blame but me!  That is the moment when sanity returns - sometimes only briefly - and I remember the good advice of my dear friend "S"....  "SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP"!  Because NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION!  When you give all your power away and wallow in self pity you do NOTHING to help yourself, and no one is going to do it for you.  So it's time to reforge that Titanium spine I worked so hard to make into a masterpiece, time to put on the steel gauntlets inside my velvet gloves, time to pull my resources and my spirit and my pride and my drive back together and plaster that smile I use as my shield and my armour on my face and keep going!  Time to start... one thing at a time!  No distractions, no excuses, and most especially NO WALLOWING IN SELF PITY!.... Good grief!  You'd think things were tough????   Right now in my life I'm probably in the best place I have ever been, and I'm using old behaviours in a new situation and making things worse!

So now I begin the new mantra;  My life is not about my past;  My life is not yet about my future;  my life in the present is all I have right now and there is NO ONE who has the right to screw it up - including me - unless I LET THEM!....  So I have decided that keeping a warm and well lit place in the "twilight zone" that the lower mainland has become will be my first priority.  A warm fire, a warm cup of tea, making each item I own either find a permanent place or removing it before it begins to own me!  Because like it or not I'm going to have to make good on all the things I have made promises about... and my first promise has been to myself and how I WILL make my life a better one than I have ever had.

Oh, and if the rain continues I guess I'll be swimming in a cooler pool than I would like, but it's still my freaking pool!  In the meantime, I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go, please....