Monday, September 10, 2012

Growing pains.....

Time is allowing me to heal;  it has been just over three years and I am able to talk about some of what happened without it hurting.  Not to say that I don't feel anything, but the overwhelming taste of being betrayed has faded.  There is a difference between the realization that what has happened needs to be moved past and allowed to become unimportant, and the internal acceptance of myself BEING someone who is moving past it.

I could not possibly envision the person I am now;  strong, capable, engaged in what I do, living in the "now", taking care of myself in a way that is healthy...  and without the anxiety and depression that has dogged me since that car accident all those years ago.....  I feel an internal change in me, as if I am growing too large for my current life and I have an overwhelming urge to climb beyond what I am.  I have jokingly said to my colleagues that our workplace was a haven for the weak and the lame... and that I freely admitted I am lame....    because all the "go getters" got out.  But I no longer feel lame.  And although I still love my little job I know I want better, I can do better, and it's time to find a better way in life.

I want more in my life, and more from my life than my current situation will allow.  So it's time to find a new direction and I hope that the next few months will start me on the way.  In the meantime I am taking myself out of my comfort zone once more and heading out into the world on the "trip of a lifetime"... loading up my little dogs and my creature comforts, gassing up the Pathfinder, powering up the electronics, heading North... North to see a dear friend from a long time ago.... where we two girls will do those things we did together before marriage and heartbreak made our lives different; when a meal was shared with parents, make up was tried on, music was shared, there was a lot of laughter and play and fun... baseball in the summer, long walks in the fall, taking the time to visit with each other and even shield each other from the darker parts of our lives....  We are looking forward to playing with the dogs, cooking, laughing, shopping, meeting friends... and she has promised to take me to the Rodeo on a hot September Sunday so the two of us can enjoy life and simple pleasures....  and perhaps if I'm really lucky we will go to the Hoedown on a Saturday night... the way we went together when we were both only 14.... and we danced until they sent us home....

Perhaps the two of us will sit outside on a clear night with her husband and we will look at the stars in the sky...  and I will perhaps envy their "couple-ness",  But she cannot imagine how happy I am that they have found one another.  A perfect match.  I have watched them in public gently poke at one another without malice - comments loaded with love and understanding and compassion for one another.  I have been almost envious of their bond.  They both work hard for what they have, and are content with each other.  She is a sweet and sensitive soul, always soft and kind and caring; he is a strong and centered man who would be capable of living alone, but chooses to share his life with her... soul mates as far as that goes. She has allowed his heart to find a home, and he protects her so she walks through the world safe.  And I realize that is what has been missing in my life; the respect for one another as individuals that allows both to remain the same, yet makes for a greater and more wonderful whole - the true meaning of "home".

She is such a smart and intuitive individual now that we are all grown.  I am proud and happy to call her my friend.  She keeps telling me not to worry, that there is someone in the world for me... I just have to stop worrying about it and let it be.  But for now, I know that I am better being strong and single.  Not that I am so focused on my goals that I wouldn't have time for another person in my life, but knowing that I will be healthier allowing myself to achieve what I am working towards and THEN, just maybe, being able to let someone else into the life I am building...  or perhaps not. I will deal with that when opportunity (and probably a great deal of luck) presents me with a possibility.  I remain hopeful, but I am not waiting for that to happen to get on with my life, such as it is.  This time, instead of racing headlong into the world I am strolling at a better pace, catching the scenery as I move through my life, stopping to literally smell the roses and admire their beauty.  The connections I have made with old friends has refreshed me and given me joy.  The time I have spent with new friends gives me connections to the world that I had never envisioned three years ago.  And my newfound respect and love for myself (yes, finally!) has given me purpose, freedom, and peace.  Such a peace I have never known existed outside of all those books I read when I was young and green.  I have the world to embrace and it feels good.... who knows what the next part will bring?  I'm sure it will be all good!  And, in the meantime, I'll skip the caffe mocha vodka valium latte and stick to my regular medication and a good night's sleep..... surrounded by my little dogs and my hopes for good things to come....