Stitching and bitching......

It's been a while since my last post.......   Making time for myself and the completion of my newest inspiration comes hard.  Especially since there have been a couple of times I felt like my legs were kicked out from under me. Yup, I'm going back to court again.  The pills that I was happy to wean myself from are back into my daily health regime, and at a higher strength than before.  It makes me feel a little muzzy at times, especially later in the evening.  It may take another week or so for the levels to even out enough to let me function at full capacity.

In the meantime I am reawakening my old joys and living at the  "speed of life" with my friends and family.  I have friends who drop by, days with the ladies heading out to drive just because, dropping in on friends when I can.  For the last month or so I have been having "stitch and bitch" sessions at my house.  My friend "S" has the "know how" to teach my friend "R" the basics on patchwork, and "R" brought her newly tuned up sewing machine - which has taken up semi permanent residence on my dining room table beside my machine.   We have spent hours laughing, sewing, pressing, trimming and just talking about life.  It has been so good for me.  But having the tea and the coffee on, having a few other voices in my kitchen and my sewing room with me, having music playing loud enough to make my feet tap... and having the fabric collection near at hand and ready to go makes me glad.  And "R" is happy to have produced her first quilt top.... a "jelly roll race" made from fabric I had in my stash....  and it is beautiful!

I even went for another "ladies escape" to my favorite Winery in Dewdney with four of my friends from work.  Yes, a good time WAS had by all, especially since lunch was courtesy of a recent lottery win by one of the ladies, and it was extra delicious because we shared our time!  And of course it always involves a good "bitch fest" where we all get a chance to vent about whatever is troubling us or our families... or just commiserate on life...  or laugh at life in general.



Organization is really the key;  keeping up on laundry, floors, dishes, meals. Unfortunately, the "organized" part of me is very medicated and I have a lack of that "urgent" level of anxiety that used to drive my inspiration to fever pitch and create a rather unhealthy focus on the task when it wasn't at hand. Of course taking care of the dogs and our three little puppies makes everything so much more needful when it comes to completion of tasks.  In the meantime I feel happy to sleep while I can, happy to walk in the fresh air with my little troupe of doglets, happy to walk into work every early morning with a smile on my face, happy that Christmas is coming FAST!  And happy that I can sew....   like I used to sew all those years ago, concentrating on making everything come together in a way that I have designed on my own, figured out by myself, creating something special out of a few scraps and bits, and perhaps a button or two from my collection.  My very extensive collection.....  I feel my inspiration reawakening.  The colours, graphics and gradients of colour and form are bouncing around in my brain even when I'm standing quietly at work.  I have been picking up ideas from something as simple as a well constructed handbag on a customer's arm, or a new usage for hardware from the bins in a home improvement big box store. And I'm hoping to someday pull myself along far enough to have the creative part of my life the larger part.  It may be a dream, but it's my dream.  And I don't have to remind myself too often that when I hit my stride and lock into "dream" mode I'm DAMN good at what I do! 

So here's to warm tea in the evening, the heat turned up to ease my aching muscles, a hot iron, a good stockpile of needles and thread, and good friends who want to learn.  Blessings of the Season on you, my friends....   I wish you "Joy"...  

Being thankful......

It has been the most glorious fall I can remember.  Sunshine, warm weather during the day, amazing blue skies, fresh air, the ripening of fruits on the vines and the trees, slow colour change making the fall foliage catch fire at last...  and crisp, lightly frosted nights that come early and end later, making my sleeping time sweet and peaceful.  I have so much to be thankful for, and with Thanksgiving this long weekend for us Canadians I have been taking a long look at what I have instead of what I thought I was missing. 

First, I am especially grateful that my children are all healthy, living their lives, learning new things that will carry them forward into the future... they are safe, honest, strong, loving, and finding loves of their own as adults.  I am thankful for my health... waking with pain makes you appreciate those moments when you are pain free, and getting older has shown me that pain is relative... if I can still walk, if I can still move through my day and accomplish what I want to - even if it is less than I could do even four years ago - it is still something to be grateful for....  I am thankful I still have a home to clean, a kitchen to cook in, a comfortable bed to sleep in, food in my cupboards with enough to share, a place to wash my clothes and music playing over my media center....  a lot, really... and more....

I am thankful for the strength to be able to shovel my own driveway when it snows - and also thankful I have a driveway to shovel...  that my garden gives me pleasure in it's bounty of apples and roses, that there is a place to park my car - and I am grateful I have a car as well...  Grateful my roof doesn't leak and neither does my plumbing...  the furnace keeps my home warm on cold nights, and I can keep it cool on warm days by simply opening a few windows...  I'm grateful for comfort and quiet...I am grateful for sight to take in the mundane and the magical, ears to pick up on the blowing of the wind, through the trees or the insane barking of a pack of excited dogs... music to fill my soul and allow my heart to sing....  the scents of fall with pumpkins, damp earth, leaf mold, fall fruits and woodsmoke, as well as the smells from my now busy kitchen - apple pies, butter chicken, pasta sauce, and this weekend the full blown smells of turkey dinner with all the trimmings....  I am grateful for the ability to touch and learn the textures of my world... to taste the layers of flavour in everything right down to the waxy aroma of lavender scented candles I use to freshen my home. I am grateful for art in all it's forms because it livens my soul and connects me to the rest of the world.

I am grateful for my own well being;  I have my pets to care for, and their gratitude is immense.  I have a job that I still love, and although the hours aren't plentiful and neither is the money I still have just enough to get by on month to month.  My bills are paid, my finances are under control.  I am grateful for my emotional health and the strength to maintain it.  I am especially grateful for finding professional help that led me to the right choices to keep myself strong - and for the medication that works on my chemistry in a way that makes every day joyful instead of dreadful. 

I am truly grateful for friends; those who I have known for a long time, those I have had in my life always, those I have reconnected with in the last while, and those who are new in my circle and who make their diverse personalities part of the patchwork of my life.  I am grateful for friends who just laugh... They say that the best cure for most things is a nap and a good, long laugh....  and yes, I wholeheartedly agree!  That is the most important thing I am grateful for... laughter...  It heals all hurts, makes life lighter, cures ills, brings youth to weary faces...  and makes us all connected for those instants while laughter is shared.

So here's to all those I love this long weekend!  May your time be filled with the simple pleasures of family, good friends, good health, good food and laughter.....  and if you need one you could always have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go.....    Bring me a tea while you're there, all right?  There is pie in the kitchen when you drop by....

Growing pains.....

Time is allowing me to heal;  it has been just over three years and I am able to talk about some of what happened without it hurting.  Not to say that I don't feel anything, but the overwhelming taste of being betrayed has faded.  There is a difference between the realization that what has happened needs to be moved past and allowed to become unimportant, and the internal acceptance of myself BEING someone who is moving past it.

I could not possibly envision the person I am now;  strong, capable, engaged in what I do, living in the "now", taking care of myself in a way that is healthy...  and without the anxiety and depression that has dogged me since that car accident all those years ago.....  I feel an internal change in me, as if I am growing too large for my current life and I have an overwhelming urge to climb beyond what I am.  I have jokingly said to my colleagues that our workplace was a haven for the weak and the lame... and that I freely admitted I am lame....    because all the "go getters" got out.  But I no longer feel lame.  And although I still love my little job I know I want better, I can do better, and it's time to find a better way in life.

I want more in my life, and more from my life than my current situation will allow.  So it's time to find a new direction and I hope that the next few months will start me on the way.  In the meantime I am taking myself out of my comfort zone once more and heading out into the world on the "trip of a lifetime"... loading up my little dogs and my creature comforts, gassing up the Pathfinder, powering up the electronics, heading North... North to see a dear friend from a long time ago.... where we two girls will do those things we did together before marriage and heartbreak made our lives different; when a meal was shared with parents, make up was tried on, music was shared, there was a lot of laughter and play and fun... baseball in the summer, long walks in the fall, taking the time to visit with each other and even shield each other from the darker parts of our lives....  We are looking forward to playing with the dogs, cooking, laughing, shopping, meeting friends... and she has promised to take me to the Rodeo on a hot September Sunday so the two of us can enjoy life and simple pleasures....  and perhaps if I'm really lucky we will go to the Hoedown on a Saturday night... the way we went together when we were both only 14.... and we danced until they sent us home....

Perhaps the two of us will sit outside on a clear night with her husband and we will look at the stars in the sky...  and I will perhaps envy their "couple-ness",  But she cannot imagine how happy I am that they have found one another.  A perfect match.  I have watched them in public gently poke at one another without malice - comments loaded with love and understanding and compassion for one another.  I have been almost envious of their bond.  They both work hard for what they have, and are content with each other.  She is a sweet and sensitive soul, always soft and kind and caring; he is a strong and centered man who would be capable of living alone, but chooses to share his life with her... soul mates as far as that goes. She has allowed his heart to find a home, and he protects her so she walks through the world safe.  And I realize that is what has been missing in my life; the respect for one another as individuals that allows both to remain the same, yet makes for a greater and more wonderful whole - the true meaning of "home".

She is such a smart and intuitive individual now that we are all grown.  I am proud and happy to call her my friend.  She keeps telling me not to worry, that there is someone in the world for me... I just have to stop worrying about it and let it be.  But for now, I know that I am better being strong and single.  Not that I am so focused on my goals that I wouldn't have time for another person in my life, but knowing that I will be healthier allowing myself to achieve what I am working towards and THEN, just maybe, being able to let someone else into the life I am building...  or perhaps not. I will deal with that when opportunity (and probably a great deal of luck) presents me with a possibility.  I remain hopeful, but I am not waiting for that to happen to get on with my life, such as it is.  This time, instead of racing headlong into the world I am strolling at a better pace, catching the scenery as I move through my life, stopping to literally smell the roses and admire their beauty.  The connections I have made with old friends has refreshed me and given me joy.  The time I have spent with new friends gives me connections to the world that I had never envisioned three years ago.  And my newfound respect and love for myself (yes, finally!) has given me purpose, freedom, and peace.  Such a peace I have never known existed outside of all those books I read when I was young and green.  I have the world to embrace and it feels good.... who knows what the next part will bring?  I'm sure it will be all good!  And, in the meantime, I'll skip the caffe mocha vodka valium latte and stick to my regular medication and a good night's sleep..... surrounded by my little dogs and my hopes for good things to come....

Puppy launching....

It is the final stage of my most difficult and important part when raising a litter of puppies....  letting them go on.  So many people have asked me "it must be so hard to let them go when you love them so much..." but I realize how needful and important it is by just one thing.  The right person ALWAYS comes for the puppy.  And when the pup and their forever human set eyes on one another it's never how you expect it to be, seldom the pairing you would predict, but it always feels absolutely and totally "right" when they do.  I watch them fall in love with one another for the very first time - no matter the age of the new owner, no matter how long the puppy has been with me, no matter if it's a whole family or just a single person looking to have one more small life to care for and make theirs complete, it is an inevitable as the rising of the sun and the falling of rain... a force of nature that tempers the sadness and loss I feel with the joy of knowing they go to the very best home...

Luke began to know his family early on in the game.  Little "A" came for regular visits with her mom to handle him, feed him his gruel, fold him in a blanket and tuck him into her arms... and now he has segued into his new life with very little difficulty....He is a private eater, preferring to "gnosh" on his crunchie kibble while the family is away at work and school, but he is a good little man, learning some fun puppy tricks, sleeping in the family bed (and he takes turns so that when "A" has family visits he still has an anchor to keep him secure.).  I truly hope he will help bring that lovely little girl with her heart full of sunshine out into the world and be a key to her having a great connection to fun things through him.... like training classes, agility classes, or even having him trained early on as a "visiting companion" for the hospitals and the hospices.  Or just go the park and play "fetch"!

Reba left in a whirlwind!  The whole family came to choose from the available pups, but when "B" held Reba it was that odd mix... the puppy I thought was the sweetest natured of the bunch was recognized for her loving temperament and calm demeanor...  and promptly feel asleep in her new girl's arms.  Lily was whisked home to Surrey and I lost my best "TV buddy"...

The next to leave was Garth.  A truly handsome fellow with great photogenic potential and a quirky and fun loving nature, Garth was scooped in the few minutes between me dressing for work and having to clock in...  He has been placed in the arms of a wonderful extended family to be a comfort to "T"'s Mom after illness, and also to give her a new love after the loss of her long term Shih Tzu companion last winter.  Mr. "Schnuffle" now shares his life with a family who reaches out to others, and he is much loved by all.

Willie was the "dark horse" of the group!  A wonderful family drove all the way from Whistler BC to make sure he was the "one", and left within the hour holding "Mambo" in their laps!  He was so happy to meet his very own boy but I was able to have a last, long goodbye hug from my "big" puppy.  His family includes a mini Schnauzer - aptly named "Schnauzie" - and since Mambo has the best "other dog" relations it is a perfect match!

Little Dolly had a couple of false starts, but finally "J" saw her picture and knew this was the puppy for her home.  "Daisy" has gone to live in Osoyoos near the Smitty's where she shares her family with Pepper the Shih Tzu.  Hopefully she will be able to join agility training with Pepper soon, so they will have years of running, jumping and fresh air together, and lots of love for their people as well.

And now, at last, Faith will be going home to Ladysmith.  She has gone from being one of a pack to "just one".  Her sweet little face and wagging tail will be sorely missed, but not so much by the other dogs.  Sheldon has acquired a real attachment to her, though - sharing the basket together on the bedroom floor has been a nightly occurrence for the last week. She can climb up and down the stairs, loves to jump and fetch, eats her dinner nicely, sleeps happily, and loves to cuddle and give puppy kisses... and tomorrow I have to say "goodbye".

I must admit I won't miss the "puppy paper" all over the place, nor the smell of the trash on garbage day!  I will miss the expectant little eyes at the top of the stairs, the silliness of "skiing" through the pack to open the back door for the big dogs after work, and sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor while a pack of "carpet sharks" tugs on my pant legs and shoe laces...  The playpen will be cleaned, sterilized and stored until (and if) another litter arrives in the future.  I will go back to regular life, cutting the lawn, scooping poop outside, getting the swimming pool ready for summer... and missing each individual, but I hope to have the occasional "visit" from one or two of them through the next year or so. 

To all the families who "adopted" these little treasures I give a heartfelt "Thank You!"...  They are truly full to the brim with love for you.  You are the right person for your puppy, and they are the perfect puppy for you!  I will keep spoiling their "Big Dog" family as long as they are with me... and if you need us, just call. 

Now it's back to regular chores, what looks like a sunny summer at last, and the peace of my garden.... somehow I don't think I need a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go at the moment, but there is always one when I need it... ah.....  mission accomplished.....

Drunken sailors....

Once again I have the playpen set up in the living room and once again I have a small furry pile of puppies to love.  Dear little Penny gave birth early on a Monday morning - about two hours after I came home from work - and presented me with six hamster sized babies to love for a while.  I had been waiting for them rather unsure what to expect, but like the other two times before she had an uncomplicated delivery in the kennel next to my bed, watched over once more by her best friend, Sheldon the cat. 

I had been joking that I was going to name this bunch for "fast cars" and was bantering names like Ferrari, Bugatti, Fiat, Isuzu... but what popped out looked more like little black and white cows or brown and white horses!  "They look too 'Country' to be cars" I thought....   and asked a group of friends for the names of their favorite Country Music stars instead.  I have two black and white boys - Luke (Bryan) and Willie (Nelson), one brown and white boy - Garth (Brooks), two brown and white girls - Reba (McIntyre) and Dolly (Parton) - and of course the little black and white girl is Faith (Hill). I have spent nearly a month now coddling my littlest "Stars" and thoroughly enjoying the process!

There are lots to do when you have small puppies... mostly lots of laundry!  I have worn out nearly every towel I own, as well as a number of blankets and face cloths, but the pups are past the first helpless weeks and on into the next phases... the "drunken sailor" phase where their little round bodies are too big for their tiny legs and they stagger and roll, playing with one another while chirping like Tribbles.  I hear their tiny mock growls and it makes me laugh because Penny used to do the same when she was tiny.  One tiny paw lifts.. and the whole puppy falls over!  Daisy has been attempting to sneak into the pen and lap up the puppy gruel, and Penny will leap over the side to snarf it down if I don't stand (or in my case, crouch) beside the pen while spoon-feeding the little ones.  They know my voice, recognize that my hands will rub all the spots that need it, gum with their little toothless mouths on the edge of their dinner plate; they lie passive and comfortable in my open hands, their little faces looking up at me while I giggle and smile at them; they enjoy their warm baths in the sink, wrapped afterwards in a soft washcloth and rolled like a "puppy sausage roll" to lay on the heated bedding afterwards.  I am in awe of the way of nature, that even before they can hear or stand they will struggle out of their bedding to pee on the newspaper I have surrounding their warm nest.

Even though they are less than a month old I have been spoon-feeding them since their eyes opened to give Penny a healthier time, and I am proud to say it was worth it!  She is still keeping them clean, feeding them throughout the day, but she comes to sleep with me on the bed at night, tired out and ready for a break from "Mommydom".  On Sunday afternoon I will dress her in the first "weaning shirt", move the little pack into the kitchen with a water dish and lots of newspaper, and photograph each pup.  Although I already have homes for two - Faith will go live in Ladysmith where she will become a spoiled little "boat dog" to a family who was "prescreened" and Luke will be keeping part of his name and going  to be best friends to a little girl with big blue eyes, a shy smile, and a heart as sweet as summertime.

I am doing my best to give them a healthy life; they are clean, fed, socialized with their Mom, Uncle Folly, Aunty Daisy and their big Sister, Molly from next door.  Sheldon the cat will still stroll through and check them over, but is mostly uninterested for the moment as they are too boring to be fun for a big cat like him, and Xena... well, she's just Xena...  They are learning to play with toys, explore their environment, try new things, they are handled throughout the day, and I have had friends over to handle them so they are used to people, especially kids! I hope for good weather soon so they can come outside in their "puppy pen" and learn about grass, toddle in the yard, and charge up their little "solar batteries" in a patch of sunshine while I putter in the garden.  And I know that soon they will go to their "forever" homes, with their only purpose in life to be companions... small dogs with a big job!

When they do leave it will be too soon for me, but their new families deserve to enjoy some of their "toddler time" and fall in love.  They will be taking a piece of my heart with each of them, full to the brim with love for their new families... and I will miss them.  I hope their new families keep in touch...  but for now it's sunny days on the patio bricks, puppy paper in every room of the house, toys and freshly washed blankets in all the corners... and I'll have a cafe mocha vodka valium latte... to go.....  ah... spring....

Made by hand....

When does something become more than just a hobby?  At what point in the creation process does a project or an urge to create turn from a private moment in time to a work of art?  I was lucky enough to follow that process recently with a friend in my quilting group.

Leona Harden lost her son 10 years ago to Schizophrenia.  Yes, the big "elephant" in the middle of the room.  The side of many that is struggled against daily, that sadly some become too fooled by the lies their brain tells them to continue the struggle and decide that life is not enough.  It takes a long, long time for those who love to get past that...  all the levels of grieving, all the guilt and "what ifs", and the helpless feelings that keep them "stuck" in that moment.

Leona's son was a young artist attending college in the USA.  A promising talent, Alex also had a love of drawing, and was known throughout his circle for his insight into the process.  His death at 21 left a huge hole nothing else could ever fill.  But it's what we do when that hole needs filling that becomes the memorial to a young life gone too soon.  Leona took a concept she had been thinking of for a very long time, and with her talents as a textile artist and her ability to "think outside the box" she has created an amazing tribute to her son, and a piece of art that I hope will raise awareness among the young.. that sometimes when we are at our darkest there are still those who WILL catch us when we fall.

This amazing wall quilt was constructed using photographs and imagery that Leona compiled into a dream of love to fill that hole... literally.  Some of these tiny applique pieces are only 1/4 of an inch in size, and they have been painstakingly laid over one another, then overstitched with threads to give the entire piece movement and life.  She posted photos of the process and shared the development and techniques freely with our online group of quilters.  It was a privilege to watch, and an honor to be a part of the process.  We were all encouraged to give constructive feedback, asked how we felt about colour choices, layout, textures, fabric choices...  we all were given a chance to cheer with each successful stage completed, and learn from any "mistakes"; yes, Leona ripped stitches and changed things as she went, like most of us do when we are working on our textile art.

This is NOT your average quilt.  It's finished dimensions are about 100 inches in width and 60 inches in height.  It is meant to be a piece of art, as well as a window into the love a mother bears her son...  This beautiful creation has now been shared with the world.  "For Alex - Love Mom" has won "Best In Show" and has now been featured in a local quilting program in Leona's home State of Tennessee.  The best news so far has been a request for Leona to bring her work to the college where her son attended, to display the art, lecture on the technique, and bring awareness of Schizophrenia to the other young people attending the college.

Art is ephemeral;  nothing is forever, and while it exists if it isn't shared with the world it is wasted.  In the same vein, each one of us is also a work of art.  We are not here forever, and the only immortality we have are the memories we leave and the lives we touch.  Share your talent with the world; share your thoughts, your gifts, your strengths... sing, paint, sew, build, make music, exchange ideas and ideals, grasp the hand of the person beside you and lift them up with you.  And realize that art is created by us and for us, and that not everyone has to like us, but as long as we love ourselves and do what we love it doesn't really matter what the world thinks of our art... after all, it's all great or it's all crap, depending on the place where the viewer is coming from, and that's okay.

Sew.... I'm back in the studio, creating some more art...  I'm happy to get feedback, ready to rip out a few stitches and start parts of it over until I get it right, just like I can do that now with myself.  Yes, nothing is perfect, but it's those imperfections that others see that give art it's life, and make life into art...   so I can think "outside the box"... but that's enough philosophy for now, it's back to puppies and laundry before I get to play, and in the meantime I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go...

Standing solid like a stone....

There seems to be a common theme to my life at the moment.  Endure.  When something happens that would have upset my equilibrium where, in the past, I would have been knocked sideways now I am learning to stand solid and endure the waves.  Not in a "what can't be cured must be endured" kind of way, not as a martyr who stands and shudders as the lash strikes, but in a simpler way...  more like making the upset not so much of a priority, and not making someone else's emergency create chaos.  Like a stone that water washes over, I am learning slowly that the water won't hurt me and I don't have to allow the flooding to affect my mood, my actions, my life.  That isn't to say that I am always unaffected.  When it comes to those I care for I am able to take actions for the good to make sure I have done the right thing at the time.  Starting small and working towards having that reaction every time has made me feel more centered.  I understand more now who I am and what I need for myself.  I also understand that I have a hard, focused part of my personality that I can allow to override my fears so I can act instead of react. 

There have been a few bites of chaos in my otherwise quiet and rather peaceful life.  My dear baby brother "R" had a mini stroke;  he was worried for me and sent me a message so I would know where he was and what had happened.  I left work.  Simple as that.   Where before I would have been frozen with being unable to make a decision I told my employer "I have a family emergency", locked most of the place up tight and went where I needed to be.   He was sitting alone in Emergency and uncomfortable in the nasty bed...  not a fun gig, to be sure.  But his condition was stable and he was incredibly glad to see me.  I stayed at his side until he was ready to finally get some sleep and drove home again.  It felt right for the first time in a long time, acting the way I needed to instead of the way someone else thought I was supposed to.

Then work; one of my regular customers had a terrible fall and I was first on the scene.  Dear God, I have never seen so much blood.....  the poor lady was laying on the floor unconscious and had split her head open on a fixture.  I acted by rote; call the "code", put pressure on the wound, supporting her head, get a customer to call 911 and wait.  I was joined quickly by other staff, but I could not let up the pressure on the gash in her forehead, and I needed to keep her on her side as her nose was also bleeding and I needed to keep her airways clear.  I'm so glad I always wear those little black gloves, and I had used so much paper towel for the compress that it didn't bleed through....  tossed the gloves and sanigel'd my hands up the wazoo afterwards!   And for the first time I felt what pure, clean adrenaline really feels like!  Not the sick manic feeling of being out of control and pulled behind a runaway horse, but with a firm hand on the reins, giving me the strength and focus I needed during a crisis without the horrible after-feeling that comes with not acting... and the ability to absorb the shock without burying it later or allowing it to continue to echo through me. 

There is no jitteryness, no aimless wandering, no inability to focus.  I just "am".  Calm.  It feels like peace.

I laughed the other day when a coworker told me they were worried that confrontation with another staff member would restrict their hours... and I told them "suck it up, smile, be courteous... it makes them crazy when you don't react..."...  and it's something I said with a big smile on my face and a chuckle in my voice.  Because I know from personal experience that when you fake that until you feel it, eventually it all calms down and smooths out, like the ripples on water when you drop a stone into it.  The stone is still a stone, it's the water that is moving.  Now I get to carry that peace with me.  It flows from me and is attracting those who need it.  No judgement.  No aggression.  No anger.  No more open, wounded feeling.  Just daily acceptance that the world is where it needs to be and so am I.

Now I'm going to enjoy a few days off and take care of myself... a little rest, a little time with friends, a little creativity and a lot of peace.  Well, I somehow don't seem to need that caffe mocha vodka valium latte....  and I'm not going anywhere....  

One step up at a time...

I am again stepping into the storm and trying to steer my way out without floundering. Living life in a normal way has not been normal for me.  Giving myself permission after waiting for it elsewhere is so new that I second guess myself a lot of the time.  I get myself caught in small details instead of keeping my head down and concentrating on one thing at a time.  But it's spring, and really time for spring cleaning at last.  That includes airing out my head, as well as my house! I have embraced the idea that taking care every day and keeping my home maintained will do more for me than all the soul searching and "belly button" examinations I could spend time on.  Having my floors clean, the bathrooms smelling fresh, dishes done and tidied and clothing folded and put away lifts my spirits more than clinging to an illusion of company on my Facebook pages.  I have moved my sewing station back into the kitchen where I can enjoy the sound of the television blaring music while I have movies playing in the background as an illusion of company, and I am getting things done.  Meals are actually quite regular, the dogs are happy, the cats sleep in comfort on my bed and dream.


The most amazing and joyful thing in my life is my dear little Grandson!  "C" is the center of the family universe, the reason I work so hard to be normal.  I am also facing the anniversary of my Mom's passing....  I miss Mom so very much, every day.  Having my little Grandson to love now makes it so bittersweet.  Mom would have loved him and been proud of us all....  my wonderful, strong, loving daughter, my amazing sons, and me making one step after another... a bit slow at times, but still moving ahead where I can, when I can.  When I think that I "can't" I just ask myself "what would Mom do?"...  and what she would have done is take stock of what she had, make do when she could, make something out of what was on hand, and just keep going.   I have plenty to work with, I'm lucky enough to have my health, I have lots of free time to do what is needed, and I'm certainly no slouch when it comes to "invention"....  I do, however, have a problem sometimes remembering there are some things I CAN'T do.... like lift 80 lbs....  over and over... without hurting!  Or leap tall buildings at a single bound!

Truth is, I am a hoarder.  I hoard stacks of paper, memorabilia, fabric scraps, coloured egg shells, threads, cooking equipment, recipes...  for me, each piece of paper evokes a memory or a reminder of something; the broken saxophone, the blue ribbons from the fair, the last letter from Mom, the children's watercolours, envelopes from friends who have sent me things...  sometimes I use the chaos created by the piles and boxes as a distraction.  I "hide" from the rest of the world behind "to do" lists that really have nothing "to do" with everyday living but are in fact a reason to NOT go out into the world.   But I have lived too long in "dream time" and need to feel the world again.  Feel the wind in my hair, the rain on my face, sunshine, moonlight, the wonderful aliveness that I feel in the cold...There have been moments over the last couple of weeks where I felt myself drifting and unstable.  Those are the times I literally stand with my feet planted and feel the weight of my body holding me to the ground.  I am all the anchor I need right now.  No amount of self deprecation, no amount of second guessing my responses to outside stresses, and no amount of worry will change that.  Take a deep breath and keep moving.  Just because someone else thinks they want something of me doesn't mean I have to give it.  And it doesn't mean I get to give up.  Yes, the legal battles continue, and no one can take care of my business except me.  I cannot quit looking at the problem or it will escape me, but it's no longer sending me into a tailspin of anxiety.   It doesn't take up all my thoughts or all my waking hours trying to solve some problem that isn't really a problem to begin with;  it's just a difference of opinion...  and I like my opinion much better...

So it's another weekend of quiet and listening to the little dogs upstairs and the kids downstairs....  I think it's "Beer Pong" night for them and their friends... For now I'm just taking it one step at a time and leaning on my friends when it gets too much.  I think of them as  "Angels at my back" right there with my Mom at the head of the line, with her right arm around me, lifting me up, and her left hand covering my heart, shielding me from hurt.... and in the meantime, I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go... please!