Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Karma is a bitch....

We all want justice.  There are things that have happened in our lives that demand it; things we have done that trigger it; an unkind word, a lack of empathy, an emotional manipulation;  we lie, we steal, we cheat, we do petty things.  Sometimes we do dangerous or illegal or truly immoral things - those things others call sins.  Our actions cause hurt - physical or emotional or financial - to others, and those things earn us the retribution that follows.  Other times we lift others up, we stand our ground when the odds are against us, we draw a line in the sand and say to others "this far and no further" because it is the right thing to do.  And in those moments we become something better.

With the riots in Vancouver and the backlash from social media I have come to learn something about Karma.  No matter what you do, no matter what you think, no matter what you say, in the end we all earn our Karma and it comes at us when we aren't expecting it.  Good or bad, in the end it catches up with us.  It doesn't matter how we justify our actions, or ask for forgiveness.  It doesn't matter if we try to atone after the condemnation that falls down when the truth is found out.  "Time makes the truth fall out of the trees...", and I have seen how quickly that can happen when there are dozens, hundreds, or thousands of eyes watching.  But when there is no one watching, when we do things that write on our souls in the privacy of our thoughts we still earn what comes.  No matter how we deny it, no matter how we dodge or continue to live the lies, it comes. Yes, Karma is a bitch, and she is always watching.

I am learning to live with the positive thought that I earn what I give. What I do will always have consequences, so I will at least do no harm and at best do some good.  It's a nice thought... it takes a lot of effort to change what I was into what I want to be from this time forward.  If I give help, I will earn help when I truly need it.  If I give kindness and thoughtfulness, I will see it in others.  I think calming thoughts to let go of my fears for myself and those I love, and feel more serene.  I acknowledge my faults, knowing that what I see I can change, and I work to change them!  I show those who want me to fail my smiles and laughter.  I show my indifference to those who lie about me, and as a consequence their lies colour them and don't touch me.  And the best thing is I don't have to prove to anyone that I am better or nicer or kinder... because the only person it really affects is me.

So now Karma is starting to deliver things I never expected; justice.  Not just for me, but for all those who have been affected by what has happened.  And what I have been telling myself for a long time is this;  Justice is like a summer peach - no matter how much you watch, no matter how much you wish, no matter how hungry you are for it, it still takes time to ripen on it's own; and when it finally falls into your hands it is so sweet...   After a very long winter and a hard spring, summer is finally arriving for me, and there are a bushel of peaches!

So welcome, Karma!  I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go, please!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Washing it away....

It's been a full year now since I began to live solo.  In that time I have learned a bit more about who I am and what I am capable of.  I have learned to trouble shoot my internet connections without resorting to dragging my sons into the mess, hooked up my own cable, reset my phone several times, figured out what will get eaten out of the fridge so I don't "throw money away" on garbage day, discovered the most efficient cleaner for my (sometimes regretted) carpets, moved furniture on my own.  I have taken care of some of the things on my "to do" list that have been waiting for months or even years.  Doing those things makes me realize that the validation I was looking for really had to come from myself. 

Just regular mundane stuff, but in the past it was stuff I always seemed to need permission to do for myself.  I remember trying to clean up at my parents' house and clear the clutter only to be held back by a voice telling me "no, you can't touch that.... I want it to stay there"....  and I know that I still hear that voice sometimes, and I have also been that voice to others.  I hung onto things I had no need for, stored things that I could never use, saved things that weren't mine because I felt I didn't have permission to throw them away. 

Just giving myself permission to take a small vacation on my own - without anyone else to accompany me, without someone waiting for me at either end to connect with,  and without any concrete plans while I was gone - was a huge step.  When I came back I discovered that my waterbed (leaking and beyond repair, and emptied before I left) wasn't going to be in stock for another week, my carpet had gotten soaked, the rain outside made everything humid and on top of it all someone had been using fish fertilizer outside my open window, so my room smelled like old garbage and salmon!  Oddly enough there was no panic.  Just slogging through the steps and accepting my own pace until I was able to fix the problem.  No anxiety; no drama; no worry; no one standing over my shoulder watching, and no one making promises I had to wait on to fix it.  It was very revealing.  Even with such a crazy mess to return to, I still felt calm, centered and at peace. 

Sometimes in the middle of my hard earned calm there will come something that breaks my peace;  some poke or jab, or just some memory that washes over me and brings me back to the "old" me.  In those moments of panic I have learned to reach into myself, open up and dump it out like dirty mop water.  I can almost see the sludge pour out of my center, full of clumps and smelling of old dirt and rottenness.  I picture it flowing out of me and visualize my core washing clean with fresh water, rinsed until it is open and clear again.  And I feel calm again, smiling again, able to walk through whatever I must to get where I want to go.   I refuse to drown myself in someone elses' mess, and I refuse to take part in old drama.  I have finally discovered exactly what was meant when I was told I needed to put up boundaries;  this far, and no farther.

I bought my self a wall plaque for my computer room.... "I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go please..." and in those moments when I start to take my situation too seriously and feel a little bit sorry for myself I look at it and laugh.  The pity party is just about over, and I am learning more and more to plan for my future, live in my present, remember the parts of my past that bring me a smile, and just let the rest go.  When I look in the mirror now I see the same eyes that looked back at me 30 years ago;  calm and centered, kind, gentle and young.   I can hang on to what I need, pass on the rest, and live the best way that I can.

I have finally repaired that mountain bike that my Dad gave me all those years ago, just in time for Fathers' Day.  I will be putting on my new pink helmet and taking it out for a spin next weekend, and taking some time to remember him.  Time for new adventures, new friends, new places...  and peaceful times.