Monday, February 21, 2011

Learning to say goodbye....

Raising puppies is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done;  it's a lot of hard work, a lot of sleepless nights, a lot of cleaning and scrubbing, worrying and watching.  From the moment they birth, wet and tiny in my hands as I cut the cord that connects them to their Mothers, to the moment they go out the door in the arms of the special someone who will love them "forever" they are an enormous joy.

I love everything about them,  their little cries like seagulls when they first find their voices, the times they suckle on my fingertips and the end of my nose, watching them learn to play with toys, and of course the smell of puppy breath.  This last time was chaotic and crazy having two litters at once, but there is not a single moment I would take back in it.  Each puppy is special, individual, unique, and much loved.  I have fussed over them and fed them with a spoon, watched them toddle through their first steps, and who could forget the photo montages with puppies tucked into a Santa hat?  Holding a warm puppy in my arms while I sat alone on Christmas just enjoying the fact that I wasn't really alone with them there.

I'm not the only one who has benefited, though.  Daisy - who behaved like a shelter dog from the moment I fell in love and brought her home as a "timing out puppy" from the pet store - has become a more stable and balanced dog after going through the process of being with the first litters of puppies and then becoming a Mother herself.  Surprisingly, she is quieter, less prone to be jealous, eager to play and interact with my remaining dogs.  Now, when I tell her to "sit" for her treat there is no panic that the other dogs may get her share, just calm acceptance that she will get her turn when she behaves, and I'm glad for her.  She has a bounce to her step and has even welcomed the occasional guest that pops by. 

As each puppy left and went to their new families I felt a small part of my heart go with them;  Kaya Lou, Painter, Patches, Coco, Prince, Bodie, Katinka, Mercedes, Molly and Dexter eventually found their forever homes after weeks of posting ads, flashing photographs, spreading word of mouth and taking texts and phone calls.  Only one - Pixie - has yet to find her "forever home".  And in the process of finding those perfect matches for each puppy I realized that the right person always comes for a puppy;  no matter how much you worry, post, fuss, panic, no matter how many calls you take at odd hours, no matter the stretch of time, each puppy has someone out there who is waiting for them.   You know instantly when that love bonds the right person to the puppy that will be theirs.   And although I do love my little puppies and feel responsible for them I still have to let them go and be with the ones who make a choice to take them home.

It made me realize something about myself.  No matter how much I fuss and worry, no matter how long I am alone and single, when the time is right - and not until then - there will be someone out there for me.  That is the hardest part at the moment as I make the final arrangements to end my 36 year relationship with my Divorce.  And I have to remember that although what I had wasn't real I always thought it was, and grieving for a dream is still grieving.  It may be a long time until I get past this part of the process.  In the meantime I am learning to say goodbye and still embrace the love that I shared.  Puppies are good at teaching that.  I cry a little as each one leaves, but puppies have no regrets.  They are, quite simply, a joy.

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