Well, the next level of moving has finally happened. I had to get myself out of my storage locker and found myself with my "pants down" having put things off waiting for something else to happen. It's funny how old patterns are so hard to break! Oddly enough, I managed to drag all my important things out of the storage unit, lug them to my mini van, drag them home, and started loading them into what is now dubbed the "crap room" with grandiose plans to organize, prioritize, junk out, sort out and make everything fit. Well, it fits... just barely! At the last moment it was a mad dash, loading the last items of Christmas lights and ornaments, refitting the back seat into the van, and tying the Ikea chairs onto the roof rack so I could take the lock off the door and drive home the two blocks to the house. I'm sort of proud to say I did it all by myself!
It was just dumb luck that had me moving shelving and tools into the proper storage to make room. There was barely an area to place the still-packed tea pots and future projects. I have all my quilting stuff neatly stacked in one area, but everything else got rushed into place.
I moved the computer from the living room into the smaller bedroom. All the paper files are moved into the room, but the filing cabinet is still empty! I have a designated "office" area now, but I have a little problem in that my Penny (the 12 lb. Shih Tzu) has decided that her half-chewed "bouncy balls" MUST be rolled under the filing cabinet so I can retrieve them for her... and the little "rhouw... rhouw...." as she tries to get my attention is cute at first, but starts to wear on my nerves like a toddler who asks "why????".... That's when I take a deep breath, find her toy and toss it into the other room... sometimes over and over... until she finds something else to do. I'm happy to say that the rage that used to fill me and I once allowed to control me is ... not there... and it feels strange.
I really think it's funny - not "haha" funny - that I am learning patience now when I really needed to have it so many years before. There is lots of time to reflect on where I am, and I realize that I am doing in the middle of my adult years what should have been done in the beginning; finding that center of myself, learning the difference between giving and taking, and understanding that it's not about the kindness and grace you receive from others so much as the kindness and grace you show. I'm learning to let things go, and that's hard sometimes. It gets easier as the pain fades and the rage subsides. The medication helps, and I know that I will need to keep taking it to keep the anxiety and rage from ever taking hold again. And I also understand that part of the chaos around me was really just a reflection of my inner clutter. Too much going on and no way to slow it down and keep it from spilling over. Life is not so technicolour... now it's just simple and has enough going on to show the small beauties one at a time, instead of overwhelming my senses in a constant stream. Think of a mixer turned on too high, with too much pudding in a small bowl! Of course everything gets spattered with goo! And that was me! Too much, too high speed, too small of a container...
So is this what it feels like to be "ordinary"? This quiet, peaceful time? Simple pleasures, like a clean floor under my bare feet, fresh air, folded laundry, and a lack of the constant jangle of sound from electronic gadgets? A bowl of soup, a bran muffin, a call from a friend so I can laugh with someone? Working and coming home to play with little dogs, buying something if I can use it and have room for it... and not worrying any more about the next day or next week or next drama... I love being able to say "not mine to rescue, not my lesson to teach"... and really letting it just... go...
And now I need to contain this clutter that slows me down and get myself "unstuck" from waiting. The waiting is finally over, and I can really start to move forward for the first time in my life; unhampered by those who wanted what they didn't deserve, unslowed by those who would have taken what wasn't theirs, unstoppable, unsinkable... but no longer unhappy. Like I said, the chaos around me is just a reflection of the clutter within me. Since I'm the only one who can take charge and straighten this up, then I think it's high time I started... one pile at a time.
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