I am again stepping into the storm and trying to steer my way out without floundering. Living life in a normal way has not been normal for me. Giving myself permission after waiting for it elsewhere is so new that I second guess myself a lot of the time. I get myself caught in small details instead of keeping my head down and concentrating on one thing at a time. But it's spring, and really time for spring cleaning at last. That includes airing out my head, as well as my house! I have embraced the idea that taking care every day and keeping my home maintained will do more for me than all the soul searching and "belly button" examinations I could spend time on. Having my floors clean, the bathrooms smelling fresh, dishes done and tidied and clothing folded and put away lifts my spirits more than clinging to an illusion of company on my Facebook pages. I have moved my sewing station back into the kitchen where I can enjoy the sound of the television blaring music while I have movies playing in the background as an illusion of company, and I am getting things done. Meals are actually quite regular, the dogs are happy, the cats sleep in comfort on my bed and dream.
The most amazing and joyful thing in my life is my dear little Grandson! "C" is the center of the family universe, the reason I work so hard to be normal. I am also facing the anniversary of my Mom's passing.... I miss Mom so very much, every day. Having my little Grandson to love now makes it so bittersweet. Mom would have loved him and been proud of us all.... my wonderful, strong, loving daughter, my amazing sons, and me making one step after another... a bit slow at times, but still moving ahead where I can, when I can. When I think that I "can't" I just ask myself "what would Mom do?"... and what she would have done is take stock of what she had, make do when she could, make something out of what was on hand, and just keep going. I have plenty to work with, I'm lucky enough to have my health, I have lots of free time to do what is needed, and I'm certainly no slouch when it comes to "invention".... I do, however, have a problem sometimes remembering there are some things I CAN'T do.... like lift 80 lbs.... over and over... without hurting! Or leap tall buildings at a single bound!
Truth is, I am a hoarder. I hoard stacks of paper, memorabilia, fabric scraps, coloured egg shells, threads, cooking equipment, recipes... for me, each piece of paper evokes a memory or a reminder of something; the broken saxophone, the blue ribbons from the fair, the last letter from Mom, the children's watercolours, envelopes from friends who have sent me things... sometimes I use the chaos created by the piles and boxes as a distraction. I "hide" from the rest of the world behind "to do" lists that really have nothing "to do" with everyday living but are in fact a reason to NOT go out into the world. But I have lived too long in "dream time" and need to feel the world again. Feel the wind in my hair, the rain on my face, sunshine, moonlight, the wonderful aliveness that I feel in the cold...There have been moments over the last couple of weeks where I felt myself drifting and unstable. Those are the times I literally stand with my feet planted and feel the weight of my body holding me to the ground. I am all the anchor I need right now. No amount of self deprecation, no amount of second guessing my responses to outside stresses, and no amount of worry will change that. Take a deep breath and keep moving. Just because someone else thinks they want something of me doesn't mean I have to give it. And it doesn't mean I get to give up. Yes, the legal battles continue, and no one can take care of my business except me. I cannot quit looking at the problem or it will escape me, but it's no longer sending me into a tailspin of anxiety. It doesn't take up all my thoughts or all my waking hours trying to solve some problem that isn't really a problem to begin with; it's just a difference of opinion... and I like my opinion much better...
So it's another weekend of quiet and listening to the little dogs upstairs and the kids downstairs.... I think it's "Beer Pong" night for them and their friends... For now I'm just taking it one step at a time and leaning on my friends when it gets too much. I think of them as "Angels at my back" right there with my Mom at the head of the line, with her right arm around me, lifting me up, and her left hand covering my heart, shielding me from hurt.... and in the meantime, I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go... please!
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