The twilight zone....

I have always scoffed a little at people who weren't able to deal with the Vancouver weather.  I used to say "I have my Vancouver Hairstyle... looks the same wet or dry"...  One of my biggest - and perhaps most arrogant - jokes has always been... "how do you tell a tourist in Vancouver?  They're the one using the umbrella".... well, it seems these days the joke is on me!

The constant and almost unrelieved cloud cover day after day is depressing, and living in the basement of my home without much in the way of daylight has become a problem.  It seems to me that the best weather days have been when I am inside at work looking outside at the mountains.  Although I firmly believe that my "office" has the best view in the lower mainland, I would still prefer to be outside rather than shut in!  I even went so far as to plan a hike last week on my day off, only to have my stroll in the woods marked with drizzle - lovely drizzle, but still turns my "Vancouver Hairstyle" into a giant, frizzy dandelion puff....  so much for the "looks the same wet or dry..."  And my aging and out of shape muscles are not coping well with the unseasonal cool temperatures, making me feel stiff and sore even BEFORE my hike or my stroll to the Starbarks with the pack.  Thank goodness I finally had my fireplace installed so I can turn on "summer" in my living room and warm my muscles until they don't feel that ache any more.

I used to have nightmares about this kind of weather... still do, in fact.  Usually they are of the "end of the world Apocalypse" variety, where I am unable to see distant objects or landmarks because of unrelenting fog or thick, grey cloud cover.  That constant twilight, where my personal anxiety overrides common sense.  Sometimes I would dream I had abandoned my children, or was unable to find them.  Sometimes I would dream I was suddenly and inexplicably alone in the world, having to fend for myself using only bare resources and traveling long distances.  The most prevailing feeling in those dreams was always hopelessness;  inability or ineffectuality when attempting to change something.  There are moments when those very private and deep feelings begin, just briefly, to affect my mood to the point that I feel them even when waking.  Yes, there are times when I feel that I have abandoned and so lost my children.  Yes, I find myself alone in the world and having to fend for myself.  There are times when I feel hopeless, ineffectual, unable to make changes, even unable to plan ahead for myself.

I have basically forgotten what it's like to have focus and to prioritize.  Nobody to blame but me!  That is the moment when sanity returns - sometimes only briefly - and I remember the good advice of my dear friend "S"....  "SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP"!  Because NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU FEEL INFERIOR WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION!  When you give all your power away and wallow in self pity you do NOTHING to help yourself, and no one is going to do it for you.  So it's time to reforge that Titanium spine I worked so hard to make into a masterpiece, time to put on the steel gauntlets inside my velvet gloves, time to pull my resources and my spirit and my pride and my drive back together and plaster that smile I use as my shield and my armour on my face and keep going!  Time to start... one thing at a time!  No distractions, no excuses, and most especially NO WALLOWING IN SELF PITY!.... Good grief!  You'd think things were tough????   Right now in my life I'm probably in the best place I have ever been, and I'm using old behaviours in a new situation and making things worse!

So now I begin the new mantra;  My life is not about my past;  My life is not yet about my future;  my life in the present is all I have right now and there is NO ONE who has the right to screw it up - including me - unless I LET THEM!....  So I have decided that keeping a warm and well lit place in the "twilight zone" that the lower mainland has become will be my first priority.  A warm fire, a warm cup of tea, making each item I own either find a permanent place or removing it before it begins to own me!  Because like it or not I'm going to have to make good on all the things I have made promises about... and my first promise has been to myself and how I WILL make my life a better one than I have ever had.

Oh, and if the rain continues I guess I'll be swimming in a cooler pool than I would like, but it's still my freaking pool!  In the meantime, I'll have a caffe mocha vodka valium latte to go, please....