Friday, November 5, 2010

Going on an adventure....

That phrase used to strike terror into the hearts of my children... "Oh, we're going on an adventure.... " translates as "Oh, God!.... Mom's lost again"....  There were many times when I would load them up to go to somewhere I had never been, trying to use outdated maps or poorly remembered directions (being totally truthful about that may make me look arrogant and stupid, but there have been MANY times....), looking for a field or a park, going to a new friend's house, a movie theater or a party location, driving through subdivisions and back roads where the maps hadn't been updated yet and "google maps" hadn't been invented!  Maybe we were loaded with extra kids, or one dog or another (sometimes even a cat!), maybe snacks and maybe not.  All times of the year, could have been any time of day - you get the drift.  Totally disorganized, haphazard and emotionally unsettled.  Quite literally WITHOUT A PLAN!  "We're going on an adventure"... was my way of saying I was lost and unsure without actually saying it.  But they knew.

So on a sunny afternoon with a mini van loaded with my (growing) dog pack I decided to drive myself somewhere I hadn't been in a while.  And it was an "adventure"...  New construction, road work, new lights, overpasses that never existed before.. it all added up to a change in the landscape of my memory!  Turning left and right, right and left, driving down new subdivision roadways loaded with worker's trucks and covered in mud...Missing the turn and making a detour...  Driving and driving, thinking perhaps I had misremembered the last turnings, only to realize I was on the right road after all.  Huge sigh of relief from me, and no complaints from the peanut gallery on the floor!  Yay!  After a too brief, but very easy, walk through the peace and beauty of the last sunny day of Autumn I came to a few conclusions about myself.  My life has always been an "adventure".  I have been arrogant and stupid, trying to find a place I have never been, without a map, not asking for the right directions, and not thinking about the fears of the passengers that were on the path with me.  Even though I managed to muddle along through those times, and I thought it was funny in an ironic way, my kids never enjoyed it, but felt I wasn't listening to them so they would not voice their fears.

So here I am.  New life.  No map.  Asking for directions for the first time.  And finding out what was missing through trial and error.  Two things spring to mind;  compassion, and patience.  Compassion for those who traveled with me.  Compassion for myself, so I can keep getting up after I slip in the mud.  Compassion for those I meet briefly on the journey.  And patience... most of all, patience.   Finding my authentic self is a messy job.  There is a lot of garbage to wade through first;  self pity, selfishness, low self esteem, arrogance, ego, jealousy.  I realize that I never understood the difference between fighting for something and aggression. That is the most important map of all, and I'm looking for it and asking directions from those who have it.  Like cleaning up the mess in my home, a little bit every day seems to work better and is much less overwhelming than trying to heave it out all at once and make the job too big to accomplish. 

I have been told that cementing new behaviours takes at least three months of practice.  It's a big "do-it-yourself" project.  Does anyone know where I can get that much cement?

2 comments:

  1. Life is nothing if not a big adventure! Carpe diem!

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  2. Yeah... searching for redemption is an "inside job", though....

    Still looking for the right kind of cement...

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